When you have to un-tell your pregnancy...

So, it looks like I probably have to untell my pregnancy...part of me thinks I jinxed myself by telling you in the first place, but I know that's not true.  Part of me is angry at myself for announcing my pregnancy so early, the other part of me knows this is just part of the journey and there's no shame in exposing this part of it.  According to The March of Dimes, 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, mainly before they're even detected. Of those that make it to detection, 15-25% then end in miscarriage.  It's relatively common, yet most people don't talk about it as it's happening.  I guess it's another taboo topic. My bestie and I talked about a week ago about sharing a miscarriage and although I couldn't say for sure at the time, I know that in the moment-my natural instinct is to share.  

I shared last night that I had a gut feeling things were ok-and there still is that glimmer of hope.  But, the whole week I just couldn't shake the feeling of terrible news at the first ultrasound.  No matter what I told myself, no matter how reassuring my numbers were, something just told me today would be bad.  

In an Assisted Reproduction Technology (ART) environment, monitoring is done more frequently and earlier than regular.  Around the time I am, 6 weeks 1 day, my doctor does ultrasounds.  Typically, you can see a gestational sac, a yolk sac and a heartbeat.  However, it's possible that the yolk sac and heartbeat are slower to develop, especially in a frozen embryo transfer, which sometimes take longer to develop.  Today, all we saw was a gestational sac-and I didn't even think to ask at the time if it was of appropriate size given the gestational time. It seems odd considering my numbers have been rising great! It's also somewhat reassuring the bleeding I did have Tuesday was not a miscarriage and things could still turn around.  

At first my doctor said he is not hopeful, and we talked about options: letting this pass naturally, doing a D&C, or taking a pill to induce the miscarriage.  But, we have to wait.  When he realized I was only 6w1d, he said it really could be too early, my numbers look good (I'm still waiting on today's numbers), and that he has seen it go either way at this point.  When  I went through my rounds this morning, of texting those who needed to know-13 people, 3 of them told me personal accounts of the same thing happening to them or someone they know personally.  It made me feel a lot better.  

 I don't know what to make of my feelings anymore-they're so strong, but each on the opposite side of the spectrum.  I have strong feelings this will all be fine, but I had such a strong feeling that today would be bad. My "bad" feeling wasn't about a miscarriage or an end of the pregnancy, I keep feeling a successful pregnancy.  But, I also had a dream a few weeks ago about twin girls- which really freaked me out.  Since we only transfer one, it's highly unlikely (although it can happen) to end up with twins, so having that premonition means this won't work out. (Mr doctor mentioned doing another transfer after a couple cycles off, and he suggested transfering two then, so that even more solidified my twin premonition because this is the first mention of ever transfering two So, I really have no idea what to think other than this might end badly. It is possible I'll have a miscarriage naturally, so if bleeding doesn't bring me in before Friday, I go back then to have another ultrasound.  If we don't see change, like the development of a yolk sac, then I'll go to my OB who has more sophisticated machines just to get another set of eyes on it before we do anything.  If a yolk sac is there with no heartbeat, we'll wait another week just to be sure.  And of course, it could also be that there is a yolk sac and a heartbeat. 

And so begins, a likely two week wait, again.   

UPDATE: My doctor just called me, my hcg went up to 15,000 which is great, and my other numbers look really good.  He sounded very hopeful and told me, "I wouldn't throw in the towel yet." He also said based on the numbers it doesn't look like I'll start to bleed spontaneously. That's the best we could hope for in this situation.  

Funny story from today: I, of course, was crying after the ultrasound and there were no tissues in the waiting room, and then there were no tissues in his office.  So I'm sitting there crying to him, and all of a sudden I throw my hands up and yell, "You don't even have any tissues!" So he runs out, "I need tissues, Aaryn needs tissues!" 

To be continued...