Friday, May 27, 2016

How my miscarriage taught me to be thankful...

I guess I should apologize for the spoiler...but, this pregnancy is officially over, and for that, I'm thankful.  Let me explain...

This morning, my husband and I made our way to the doctor, where they took blood, and did an ultrasound.  The ultrasound revealed absolutely no change from last week; just the same, empty gestational sac.  Thankful.  This past week I've had a lot of time to think about today's horrible, terrible, result.  But, it dawned on me as we were driving this morning that it was possible that what we saw could be inconclusive.  As in, maybe some development, but not where it should be, maybe a yolk sac and no heartbeat, maybe an abnormal heartbeat...and so I prayed.  I prayed that this should be a clear answer-either let it be great, or let it be terrible.  And although we got the terrible result I so feared, thankful.

They say bad things happen in threes, and unfortunately there have been two other tragic losses that have had a somewhat personal connection to me.  One was a fitness blogger I've followed for awhile, we even corresponded once.  She was finally pregnant with her second child, at a young 30 years.  Unfortunately, the baby was diagnosed with Down Syndrome a few weeks back, but she embraced it beautifully.  At 31 weeks, her son was born still.  Yesterday, a friend from college posted that at her 16 weeks ultrasound a few days ago, there was no heartbeat.  Me, 7 weeks, no heartbeat. Thankful.  I don't need to have a procedure, or deliver a baby.  Thankful.  I'll take a pill, and this will pass naturally.  Thankful. 

I have had so many friends offer their advice and support from their own miscarriage experience(s).  Thankful.
I have received messages about how strong and inspiring I am.  Thankful.
Although, let's be honest-you all give me the courage and inspiration TO share, and for that I am thankful.
I have had friends offer to help with whatever it is I need; I even have a small lineup for the weekend-and yes, they come with ice cream.  Thankful.

I have the smartest, most supportive doctor anyone could ever have.  With tissues now sitting on his desk, just in case.  Who let me cry, and ask my questions, and let me choose my path for how I wanted to handle this, and how I want to move forward.  Thankful.

I have a wonderfully supportive husband who supports my every move and has allowed me to call every shot in our fertility journey.  He knows how deep my desire is to continue to grow our family, and although fertility treatment is a strain financially, but also emotionally and with time, he is on board with whatever my decision is.  Thankful.

To soften the blow of this horrible and unplanned turn of events, are my three amazing, loving, smart and caring children.  I knew before just how miraculous they were, but I guess it never hurts to have a little reminder.  Thankful.       

It dawned on me on the drive home, just how miraculous my journey is.  In today's discussion with my doctor, he told me, that even at age 20, which was when my embryos were conceived, there's only a 50-60% chance the embryos will have normal chromosomes.  So if you think about it-to only have ovulated one time, AND gotten pregnant, AND have it result in a healthy, live baby, is just mind blowing!  Beyond thankful.  

There are so many things to be thankful for, even with today's loss, because today, is just a thorn among the roses. 

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