Thursday, April 27, 2017

Transfer #5

On Monday, transfer #5 was completed.



It was a transfer unlike one I've ever had before.  At some point the night before, my mood shifted suddenly.  A mood I wasn't able to shake.  A mood that stayed with me long into the night.  
Transfer day is always full of excitement, full of hope, anticipation, renewed joy and optimism.  But not this transfer day.  I brushed off the embryologist's remarks about how "perfect" the embryos were.  I brushed off my doctor when he commented on "two beauties." And when I was told, "it has to work sometime!" I responded with, it doesn't have to ever work.  



I drove home and laid in bed long into the night with what felt like an unwelcome guest.  No matter what I did or told myself, it was there.  Nagging at me, until I was finally able to answer some introspective questions about what exactly I was feeling.  Sadness was not it. Fear was not it.  Pessimism was not it.  



And then finally it clicked.  
The first ultrasound. 
Throughout the past 15 months, not much has scared me.  I've been sad, I've been angry, I've been upset, but I hadn't felt there was anything I couldn't handle.  Except, the first ultrasound.  That is the one thing throughout this whole time that has consistently upset me every time I think about it.  Immediate tears, paralyzing fears-I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.  And the only way I can rid myself of that feeling is to make the obvious connection: I'm not even pregnant to need that first ultrasound, so that fear was unwarranted in that moment. 
But for some reason, I was connecting this transfer to that first ultrasound.  Once I made that connection, that unwelcome guest left instantly.  I felt like I could breathe again. If this cycle works, I will, of course, have to face my fear of going through the first ultrasound.  The first cycle ended with no heartbeat at the initial ultrasound, the second cycle was a chemical pregnancy and I knew pretty quickly I wouldn't be needing an ultrasound.  I knew the third cycle was going to be my first negative, and I wasn't expecting the forth cycle to be successful.  So I never had connected a transfer to an ultrasound, until now.  Which really makes me hope, with all hope, that my intuition is right, again, and I get to have the opportunity, the blessing, to face my fears and have the need for an ultrasound.  



I've been continuing my gradual progesterone protocol, and estrogen every third night.  I add in progesterone in oil starting tomorrow night every other night.  I have my first post-transfer blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone and estrogen levels.    
I've also been wearing my transfer socks as a tangible reminder to stay in the moment, take things one step at a time, I'm not in control of the situation, and all will be ok.



Sunday, April 23, 2017

Thoughts before transfer #5

Two days shy of the one year anniversary of the first transfer that started this roller coaster, I will have transfer #5.  
12 months...
While life has surely moved on, I just can't believe I have gone through such hardship over 12 short months.  While I do still think it's not so bad, and I do really believe that, no one can deny that it has been one hell of a year.  
365 days
Not one break, not one day off.  I'm not looking for praise-it is what it is, and I wouldn't change any of it.
Tomorrow...
No matter how hard you've fallen, hope always surfaces.  
Two embryos
Will restore my optimism that in 11 days I might see the rainbow through the storm.  

Hope Floats...


Friday, April 21, 2017

Final Monitoring...

We made a bit of a mini-vacation out of my last monitoring appointment, and I'm happy to say, that after having missed the first dose of my gradual progesterone protocol, all blood work revealed good hormone levels.  I plan to write a post specifically dedicated to what a gradual progesterone protocol is all about...in the meantime, transfer #5 is set for Monday at 9:30 am, just two days shy of the one year anniversary of the first embryo transfer that kicked off this wild year.  
Maybe the 5th time will be the charm...

Words to live by for all Design projects and Life in general, then...beauty happens!:

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Monitoring Update

On Friday, I traveled back to New York for another monitoring appointment.  
My lining was 8 and trilaminar.  
Estrogen has been continuing every third night, and my last dose of Lupron is tonight.  
My transfer meds-steriod and antibiotic, begin tomorrow.  
I go back Thursday for bloodwork, and the transfer is Monday morning! 


Tuesday, April 4, 2017

1st Monitoring, Transfer #5

Yesterday, I traveled into NY for my first monitoring appointment for transfer #5. 
Always comical...my doctor tried to be funny by telling me a Woody Allen scene from a movie, "mon back," and he felt kind of defeated when, after the entire scene replay, I told him, it's just not funny. #sorrynotsorry 

Estrogen begins tonight, with a .05 dose.  I take estrogen shots because my insurance doesn't cover the patches, and I'm given them every three nights. Usually, my second dose increases to .1, but this cycle we're repeating .05 for the second dose on Friday night.  

We also discussed, again, transfering two embryos, and not using neupogen.  

I return Monday for blood and ultrasound.  

I'm blown away by faith. It's insane to me what believing in God does for us who love him. A mustard seed is the tiniest of seeds and Jesus said that's the size of the faith you need to move your mountain. Teeny tiny itsy bitsy faith and BAM! the mountain you're facing is moved. Buh bye. Gone. What's your mountain? Finances? Health problems? Relationship stuff? Listen up babe, place your confidence in the One who provides, the One who orchestrates love stories, the One who heals, restores, f...:
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