Transfer #5

On Monday, transfer #5 was completed.

It was a transfer unlike one I've ever had before.  At some point the night before, my mood shifted suddenly.  A mood I wasn't able to shake.  A mood that stayed with me long into the night.  

Transfer day is always full of excitement, full of hope, anticipation, renewed joy and optimism.  But not this transfer day.  I brushed off the embryologist's remarks about how "perfect" the embryos were.  I brushed off my doctor when he commented on "two beauties." And when I was told, "it has to work sometime!" I responded with, it doesn't have to ever work.  

I drove home and laid in bed long into the night with what felt like an unwelcome guest.  No matter what I did or told myself, it was there.  Nagging at me, until I was finally able to answer some introspective questions about what exactly I was feeling.  Sadness was not it. Fear was not it.  Pessimism was not it.  

And then finally it clicked.  

The first ultrasound. 

Throughout the past 15 months, not much has scared me.  I've been sad, I've been angry, I've been upset, but I hadn't felt there was anything I couldn't handle.  Except, the first ultrasound.  That is the one thing throughout this whole time that has consistently upset me every time I think about it.  Immediate tears, paralyzing fears-I can feel it in the pit of my stomach.  And the only way I can rid myself of that feeling is to make the obvious connection: I'm not even pregnant to need that first ultrasound, so that fear was unwarranted in that moment. 

But for some reason, I was connecting this transfer to that first ultrasound.  Once I made that connection, that unwelcome guest left instantly.  I felt like I could breathe again. If this cycle works, I will, of course, have to face my fear of going through the first ultrasound.  The first cycle ended with no heartbeat at the initial ultrasound, the second cycle was a chemical pregnancy and I knew pretty quickly I wouldn't be needing an ultrasound.  I knew the third cycle was going to be my first negative, and I wasn't expecting the forth cycle to be successful.  So I never had connected a transfer to an ultrasound, until now.  Which really makes me hope, with all hope, that my intuition is right, again, and I get to have the opportunity, the blessing, to face my fears and have the need for an ultrasound.  

I've been continuing my gradual progesterone protocol, and estrogen every third night.  I add in progesterone in oil starting tomorrow night every other night.  I have my first post-transfer blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone and estrogen levels.    

I've also been wearing my transfer socks as a tangible reminder to stay in the moment, take things one step at a time, I'm not in control of the situation, and all will be ok.