Just Keep Going...

I've been quiet on social media about my cycle since Thursday or Friday, I honestly can't remember.  

If you follow me on Instagram, and are addicted to watching Instastories like me, you know I posted a video of the results from my at home pregnancy test Thursday of Thanksgiving.  

Back when we began doing treatment in May of 2008, I was naive and only knew a few people who had gone through treatment.  I was the first of all my friends then and on one hand, living in that bubble worked well.  I had not a care in the world, failed cycles didn't bother me much, and quitting was not an option.  Because of my past, I wasn't prepared for this rude awakening of reality.  I have told a few people recently that I wish someone had just told me it might not work.  When we made it to our first Invitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle, I felt like I had paid my time, made it to IVF and things would be smooth sailing from then on out.  18 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized, and 6 top quality embryos when all was said and done; with 5 frozen-I'm golden  I thought.  

Then came Moshe.

Then came Dovy.

Then came Hannah.

Almost 10 months ago, I stepped foot into Dr. B's office again, planning a transfer. 

What I naively thought would be simple has turned into

a miscarriage 

a chemical pregnancy

a failed cycle. 

10 months, 3 transfers, 4 embryos later, nothing. 

"I'm so sorry...that wasn't the news we were hoping for."

While I'm not in denial, it is hard to accept that those 4 embryos resulted in only heartbreak.  

They're from when I was 21-how could they be bad? But 50% of embryos are going to be abnormal; and as Dr. B reminded me, it's not just embryo quality that matters.  

And sometimes, the answer is just no. 

Sometimes the answer is no; but I'm not willing to accept that right now.  

So it's time to heed my own advice-just.keep.going. 

It might not work at first, but just keep going, it'll work eventually and all the heartbreak will be worth it. 

I've lost track of how many times I've told people that-knowing it was true, but secretly feeling like a fraud on the inside because I hadn't actually gone through heartbreak. 

But now I know. 

Dr. B and I did an unofficial consult on Monday on the phone; I know I've sung his praises many times over the years, but at every turn, his sincerity and love keeps me grounded through this.  Trusting your medical professional is almost half if not more of the battle.  

As of now, the soonest I can do a fresh cycle, is January; I need to do a cycle of birth control first-beginning on the evening of the third night of my period precisely.  

I still haven't committed to that, and I still have some time before that third night is here...but when I told him I wasn't sure he exclaimed, "JUST DO IT!" 

I'll be sure to keep you posted on what we decide; and of course take you along for the ride with me.  Maybe I'll even get to Facebook live the transfer this time...

I'm not ready to quit, I'm not willing to see what may be the writing on the wall and I have three miracles as proof that it's not time yet. 

Just. Keep. Going. I said...

And now it's my turn...