Sunday, November 6, 2016

Following up: the silver lining

Thank you for all your messages; it's greatly appreciated.  It really is quite therapeutic to share my story and know that I have people rooting for me, but that also reach out with their own stories which helps me keep on my path of moving forward.

Wednesday brought about a lot of emotions as I faced the possibility of this cycle being canceled.  I guess my long drive home was a blessing in disguise because I had a lot of time to think about this cycle, what it will mean if it's canceled, what it means to move forward, and what it would mean if this cycle fails. In a twisted way, part of me hopes the cycle will be canceled-because it drags out the inevitable potential of a failed cycle. If we have a failed cycle now, it will be nearly impossible for me to do a fresh cycle in the immediate months because of the cost.   I can face a failure, but I can't face being told to stop. So if my cycle is put on hold, it's not stopping, it's just a forced break while we deal with an interruption, which slowly chips away at the allotted time left before we can afford a fresh cycle. Of course, the ultimate goal would be to move forward with the cycle and end up pregnant, but after the last two cycles I'm really preparing for the worst, but hoping I fall on the right side of statistics this time.

It also dawned on me that when it comes to fertility, past success does not indicate future success and vise versa.  There really is no rhyme or reason for why we have the outcomes we do. Why did I get pregnant three times in a row once we used IVF? Why are all the "bad" things happening now? I've seen people get pregnant naturally, and then take several rounds of IVF to have a second, and I've seen people go through many many IUIs, to then get pregnant naturally. One just never knows. But, I will say that although I kind of wish I wouldn't have to go through so many hardships in a row, and they could be interspersed among all of my successes, I definitely wouldn't be able to believe in the potential of success had it not happened that way. I can face these failures, because I've experienced success of great measures-it's just a struggle right now.  Of course I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that my three children are proof that success is possible. And that's keeps me fighting.  

Ironically, I hit a rock bottom before my appointment. Finally, after all the holidays, I was ready to face my weight gain and admit that my life wasn't going to revolve around treatments and pregnancy. Before, especially after the first miscarriage, I was clinging to the hope of getting pregnant soon. Although I still cling to that hope, with the subsequent miscarriage, it just solidified to me that I can't lose myself while waiting for that to happen.  The last thing I need is to gain another 10-20lbs while waiting and end up being extremely over weight before a pregnancy. On one hand, I know that if I get pregnant this month, losing the 20 lbs I've gained since April won't be achievable, and the truth is I'm not necessarily looking to lose all the 20 lbs, rather lose 10, but I'm really looking to find my groove again, and I finally feel like I'm getting there.

And of course, as they say, there's always someone in a worse position then you and that certainly rings true for me.  One of my closest friends fought breast cancer two years ago, and although I've been faced with challenges, even in my worst moments, I am able to tell myself that I am ok and my family is ok, and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow, I take one step forward on our road to more.

Dont Give Up:

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