Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Just Keep Going...

I've been quiet on social media about my cycle since Thursday or Friday, I honestly can't remember.  
If you follow me on Instagram, and are addicted to watching Instastories like me, you know I posted a video of the results from my at home pregnancy test Thursday of Thanksgiving.  

Back when we began doing treatment in May of 2008, I was naive and only knew a few people who had gone through treatment.  I was the first of all my friends then and on one hand, living in that bubble worked well.  I had not a care in the world, failed cycles didn't bother me much, and quitting was not an option.  Because of my past, I wasn't prepared for this rude awakening of reality.  I have told a few people recently that I wish someone had just told me it might not work.  When we made it to our first Invitro Fertilization (IVF) cycle, I felt like I had paid my time, made it to IVF and things would be smooth sailing from then on out.  18 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 15 fertilized, and 6 top quality embryos when all was said and done; with 5 frozen-I'm golden  I thought.  
Then came Moshe.
Then came Dovy.
Then came Hannah.

Almost 10 months ago, I stepped foot into Dr. B's office again, planning a transfer. 
What I naively thought would be simple has turned into
a miscarriage 
a chemical pregnancy
a failed cycle. 
10 months, 3 transfers, 4 embryos later, nothing. 

"I'm so sorry...that wasn't the news we were hoping for."

While I'm not in denial, it is hard to accept that those 4 embryos resulted in only heartbreak.  
They're from when I was 21-how could they be bad? But 50% of embryos are going to be abnormal; and as Dr. B reminded me, it's not just embryo quality that matters.  
And sometimes, the answer is just no. 

Sometimes the answer is no; but I'm not willing to accept that right now.  
So it's time to heed my own advice-just.keep.going. 

It might not work at first, but just keep going, it'll work eventually and all the heartbreak will be worth it. 
I've lost track of how many times I've told people that-knowing it was true, but secretly feeling like a fraud on the inside because I hadn't actually gone through heartbreak. 
But now I know. 

Deep Quote: She was brave and strong and broken all at once. – Anna Funder The post She Was Brave and Strong appeared first on Live Life Happy.:

Dr. B and I did an unofficial consult on Monday on the phone; I know I've sung his praises many times over the years, but at every turn, his sincerity and love keeps me grounded through this.  Trusting your medical professional is almost half if not more of the battle.  
As of now, the soonest I can do a fresh cycle, is January; I need to do a cycle of birth control first-beginning on the evening of the third night of my period precisely.  
I still haven't committed to that, and I still have some time before that third night is here...but when I told him I wasn't sure he exclaimed, "JUST DO IT!" 
I'll be sure to keep you posted on what we decide; and of course take you along for the ride with me.  Maybe I'll even get to Facebook live the transfer this time...

I'm not ready to quit, I'm not willing to see what may be the writing on the wall and I have three miracles as proof that it's not time yet. 

Just. Keep. Going. I said...
And now it's my turn... 

Inspirational Quotes for when Life Just Sucks - Sometimes life gets you down. These quotes will help you stay positive! Click to read or pin for later!:

Monday, November 28, 2016

Monday Munchies...

I've been on a bit of a cookie kick lately; hey, they're a simple crowd pleaser!  
I was on the hunt of a different cookie, one that would catch people off guard, which is exactly what this cookie did.  I'm all over any cookie that requires real butter-any of you ever typically bake with non-dairy alternatives, but then use the real deal? Mind blown, it's so delicious! I now look for recipes that call for butter, which uh, hello....let me present to you:

Brown Butter Cinnamon Crinkle Cookies  (this is essentially the vanilla version of the regular crinkle cookies)
10 tablespoons of butter, sliced 
2 1/2 cups flour 
1 teaspoon baking powder 
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon salt 
1 cup sugar 
1/4 cup light brown sugar 
2 eggs 
1 teaspoon vanilla 
1/2 cup powdered sugar 

Melt the butter over medium heat in a saucepan until it begins to foam.  Continuously whisk or swirl the pan of butter for 2-3 minutes until it turns into a deeper yellow color.  Sidenote-I never saw a change in color I don't think. Remove it from the heat and allow it to cool.

Whisk the baking powder, flour, cinnamon and salt in a separate bowl.  

In a mixer with a paddle attachment, mix the sugars and butter on medium speed.  Add in the vanilla and eggs, mixing just until smooth.  Reduce the speech and add in the flour mixture until it's just incorporated.  Cover and refrigerate for at least one hour.  

Preheat the oven to 350, and line a baking sheet with a silicone mat or parchment paper.  

Fill a shallow bowl with the powdered sugar and divide the cookie dough into tablespoon sized balls and then roll it in the powdered sugar.  Place it on the lined pan, 2 inches apart.  

Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until set. Mine needed a few extra minutes! 

 Enjoy!


Friday, November 25, 2016

My experience with Neupogen

When I first started treatment almost 10 months ago, there was a lady also cycling then and she mentioned that she would be trying neupogen to increase her chances of success-beyond her, I've yet to meet anyone else who has used neupogen.  So I want to dedicate a post all to my experience, how it works, and side effects.  

For starters, this medication isn't cheap! I was told I would need two doses-the first one four days prior to the transfer, and then another one the day before. Each dose is  $300, so after all is said and done, expect to pay about $720.  I was told it was not covered by insurance, however I was pleasantly surprised, and I ended up only paying a $45 co-pay.  I never spoke with insurance, just the pharmacy and I have no idea why I was told it wasn't covered initially and then it was, mistake or not, I got lucky! 

Neupogen is classically given to patients undergoing chemotherapy to help increase white blood cell production.  Some common side effects are fever, bone or muscle pain, headache, nosebleeds, and more. When I mentioned these to my doctor he told me he had only had one patient complain of flu like symptoms.  In chemo patients the neupogen is delivered by an injection and therefore enters the blood stream.  In this case, it was injected straight into the uterus and therefore does not directly enter the blood stream, so side effects are much less common.  

My first dose of Neupogen was slightly complicated, but overall the administration went ok.  That was done on Monday, and throughout the week I kept commenting that I felt pretty bloated or crampy and I hand't ever felt like that before any other transfer. But, as we all know, past experiences don't dictate future experiences and this time, it could within reason to have more side effects.  My second dose was on Thursday, the day before the transfer, and that went much smoother.  The reason the first attempt was challenging was because I had already started my vaginal suppositories and that was blocking Dr. B's view of the cervix.  I made the executive decision not to put it in the night before, ensuring a clear view the next morning.  In less than a minute, the injection was done and I was on my way.  

Now, there's no way to know why I had a horrible day and night following the second neupogen injection.  I don't know if it was random, or related to the neupogen.  Throughout the day I had horrible constant back pain.  I also developed a headache later in the afternoon.  By 9pm I was exhausted and fell asleep around 11pm.  Around 3am I woke up with such intense stomach pain I have never felt before.  I wasn't nauseous and didn't feel like I needed to go to the bathroom, but I was in tears, and couldn't get comfortable.  At this time, I called my husband to ask him what he thought, but he didn't answer.  #Iwonderwhy I actually contemplated calling my doctor because I was so afraid I was experiencing some freak side effect!  I decided that if I didn't feel better around 7am, I would call him and hope I could get to them before they thawed the embryo and I would go to the hospital instead of the transfer. I ended up falling asleep around 5am, and woke up at 7am to get ready for the day.  I felt a lot better, but still had nagging stomach pain. 

When I arrived at the transfer I spoke to the nurse, and she said people have complained of a headache.  When I mentioned how much pain and cramping I seemed to be having Dr. B seemed genuinely concerned and insisted I would get the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) before I left to help calm the uterus.  Although, when the nurse went to give me the PIO shot, she mentioned that my shots are way too low on my butt, as oppose to near my hip, and because a nerve runs there, that could have been why I was experiencing back pain. Since that PIO shot, I've had no back pain!  My cramping has also completely quieted down.  

If I were to give suggestions to anyone going through this: I would say to make sure you stay hydrated and eat well on the days of your injection; make sure to drink plenty of water and possibly take some preventative Tylenol-just be sure to confirm with your doctor!  If I should have to go through this again, it will be interested to compare symptoms, if they're are any.  

Please pass this post along to anyone who is planning on using neupogen before a transfer, or let me know if you have any questions!  

Monday, November 21, 2016

Monday Munchies...

Today's Monday Munchie is a soft, chewy, yummy, drool worthy cookie.  But let me back up-I'm a huge chocolate fan, so when I tell you what the recipe is, this is so not like me.  I also have become a fan of using real butter in recipes that are not going to be eaten at meat meals.  If that last sentence confuses you, read this. 

A few months ago, my mother in law gave us a big bag of raisins.  To some of you, that might seem like a great, kid-friendly, healthy snack. But to those of us whose kids have undergone dental work, raisins are like tiny little devils! Dried fruit is a big no-no for kids teeth because it's filled with sugar and gets stuck! So I let my kids eat a few handfuls, and then I confiscated politely took it away, never to be seen again...well, until today! I had been promising them for months at this point that we'd make oatmeal raisin cookies. What better of an excuse than a big bag of raisins?!? None I tell ya! 

I randomly searched and picked the first recipe that came up. 
Unfortunately, my camera was on manual focus, but I didn't know this-all I knew was every picture was coming out blurry! Thankfully we figured it out in time for a final picture!

1 cup butter, softned 
1 cup sugar
1 cup packed brown sugar 
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
11/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3 cups quick cooking oats 

In your mixer, cream together the butter and sugars. One at a time, beat in the eggs and then the vanilla.  

In a separate bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon and then slowly add it into the butter mixture.  

Add in the oats, cover and chill for at least one hour, then drop walnut sized balls of dough two inches apart on a greased cookie sheet. Bake for 8-10 minutes (I needed about 12) in a preheated oven of 350 degrees. 

Seems simple enough right? But, here's where we get serious! These cookies just seemed like they were missing a little something.  I started thinking, and then it finally clicked-any good oatmeal raisin cookie needs a glaze! So...

2 cups powdered sugar 
3 tablespoons milk

I didn't find that to be enough milk, so I added more, slowly, until the powdered sugar became a thick, yet spreadable glaze. You don't want it so thick it's clumpy, but you also don't want it so thin it runs off the cookie! I spread it with a spoon and was able to put on as much as I wanted. However, part of the beauty of this cookie is being able to the formation of the cookie, so I would scrape the glaze around the cookie and then off as need be to allow that texture to show through.  



Everyone raved about these cookies; next time I end up with a bag of raisins, I know what I'll be baking!

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Transfer #5

On Friday, November 18, 2016, our last embryo was was thawed and transfered. 



I am moved to tears as I think about that chapter coming to a close. 
When the embryologist came in and announced, I have thawed the last embryo...I think it was a surreal moment for all of us in the room. I don't think anyone thought the thawing of my last embryo would have been such a solemn event. 
Let's hope this is a good one, he said. 



I arrived, by myself, around 9:40am for a 10:00 transfer. A few minutes later, they had me changing in the dressing room.  Unfortunately I just discovered I was too late to save the images from my instastory.  #damn 
But, I just want to say, I have every pair of transfer socks!
Anyway, I then moved into the room where we signed papers, discussed the beautiful embryo, and then we made our way to the transfer room. 

You're supposed to have a full bladder at the time of the transfer because the bladder helps the uterus show up on the ultrasound, which helps with placement.  Again, through the cervix and uterus a catheter goes, and then the embryo with fluid is injected.



 It's hard to follow on the screen, but you can almost feel the tension in the room...


Afterwards I was wheeled into recovery where I had to stay for 30 minutes. Then, I got my first progesterone in oil shot, more on that later, and they wanted me to stay for another 30 minutes. 
At this time, since I was post 30 minutes of the transfer, I hopped off the bed to go to the bathroom, but wasn't able to climb back on because it was too high, so the nurse came down and saw my feet sticking out at the bottom of the curtain and then accused me of trying to escape like a little child.  #whoops 

I was able to leave around 11:30 to head back to Baltimore and made it with just an hour to spare before Shabbos. I have blood work on Wednesday to check my estrogen and progesterone levels, and then my pregnancy test is Monday November 28.  Dealing with a two week wait over a holiday weekend is never good, since you don't want to be wallowing in self pity when you have family over.  Therefore, I'll refrain from testing until the last minute, I hope... 

This chapter has brought about three children, it was filled with hope and thoughts about the future, but it also came with a lot of heartbreak and uncertainty, especially as we await the result of this cycle.  I have made so many friendships through this journey, and as hard as it is at times, I wouldn't change it for the world. 
While this journey is not over, it has certainly brought us to a crossroads, and only time will tell which path we'll take and where, and when we'll emerge. 

So because our hope is set on what is yet to be seen, we patiently keep on waiting for its fulfilment. Rom 8:25   Richard Rohr writes, “IF YOU ARE NOT trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait—you will run—or more likely you will “explain.” Not necessarily a true explanation, but any explanation is better than scary liminal space. Anything to flee from this terrible “cloud of unknowing.”  CLICK THE IMAGE TO KEEP READING:

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

A cervix and a magnet

Walk into a bar...
I kid, I kid-this isn't a joke, rather the story of my day at my monitoring appointment. 

I made it into the doctor just around 9:30. It doesn't seem to matter when I leave, traffic and pit stops always inevitably have me arriving then.  A tad too late in my opinion, but all was well that day.

I mentioned I was going to be trying this experimental (to the reproductive endocrinology field) drug called neupogen.  I was initially told it wasn't covered by my insurance and it would be around $720 for two vials, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that with a $45 co-pay, it was covered! #winning 
My doctor thinks that's a good sign, I just think it means I have more money for the next cycle. #alwaysapessimist 

Anyway, the way it works is just like an intrauterine insemination (IUI) a speculum + a catheter allows, what should be, easy access to through the cervix into the uterus.  The medicine can then injected into the uterus.  Sounds simple...in classic Aaryn style, it wasn't.  It took quite a bit of adjusting the speculum to even attempt the catheter, and after a few apologies, some sweating and some awkward comments-it was over.  Besides the pain of the speculum troubles, it was fine.  Although I've been kind of crampy off and on since.
But that's now where the fun ends...
Just as we were about done, my doctor cries out, "oh shit!"
The nurses response was, "don't SAY that!"
Umm, everything ok down there?
Sorry, I just accidentally nicked your cervix and I'm applying pressure.
COOL.

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw on my instastory I posted about a souvenir I came home with.  

 Displaying IMG_4513.JPG 
Can you guess what it is?

The story is this was given to my doctor by a pharmaceutical company, and it has been sitting on his desk since last year.  Maybe he decided to do some spring  winter cleaning, and after we laughed about this, I got to bring it home with me, "for your kids." It is a magnet after all.  

Of course I had to ask my kids what they thought it was 

 
 
 

And the answer is: a sperm with a yarmulke and a menorah.

Funny Pictures Of The Day – 36 Pics:
Perfection....

A cervix and a magnet

Walk into a bar...
I kid, I kid-this isn't a joke, rather the story of my day at my monitoring appointment. 

I made it into the doctor just around 9:30. It doesn't seem to matter when I leave, traffic and pit stops always inevitably have me arriving then.  A tad too late in my opinion, but all was well that day.

I mentioned I was going to be trying this experimental (to the reproductive endocrinology field) drug called neupogen.  I was initially told it wasn't covered by my insurance and it would be around $720 for two vials, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that with a $45 co-pay, it was covered! #winning 
My doctor thinks that's a good sign, I just think it means I have more money for the next cycle. #alwaysapessimist 

Anyway, the way it works is just like an intrauterine insemination (IUI) a speculum + a catheter allows, what should be, easy access to through the cervix into the uterus.  The medicine can then injected into the uterus.  Sounds simple...in classic Aaryn style, it wasn't.  It took quite a bit of adjusting the speculum to even attempt the catheter, and after a few apologies, some sweating and some awkward comments-it was over.  Besides the pain of the speculum troubles, it was fine.  Although I've been kind of crampy off and on since.
But that's now where the fun ends...
Just as we were about done, my doctor cries out, "oh shit!"
The nurses response was, "don't SAY that!"
Umm, everything ok down there?
Sorry, I just accidentally nicked your cervix and I'm applying pressure.
COOL.

If you follow me on Instagram, you saw on my instastory I posted about a souvenir I came home with.  

 Displaying IMG_4513.JPG 
Can you guess what it is?

The story is this was given to my doctor by a pharmaceutical company, and it has been sitting on his desk since last year.  Maybe he decided to do some spring  winter cleaning, and after we laughed about this, I got to bring it home with me, "for your kids." It is a magnet after all.  

Of course I had to ask my kids what they thought it was 

 
 
 

And the answer is: a sperm with a yarmulke and a menorah.

Funny Pictures Of The Day – 36 Pics:
Perfection....

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Transfer is a GO!

Nothing like a good spoiler alert eh?!? 
On Monday, Hannah and I returned to NY for my monitoring appointment.  I had to bring Hannah because she had a fever the day before, and since she wasn't 24 hours fever free, she couldn't attend school. However, lo and behold, she was still actually sick and an hour out from NY, she threw up, all over herself, in her car seat.  We had to take a a pit stop at a NJ rest area, and 20 minutes later we were back on our way.  I dropped her off by our former babysitter and then I headed to my appointment.  

I have since renamed ultrasound techs, sneaky bitches.  I know it's their job that they can't tell you any information but just laying there, watching their facial expressions and trying to interpret their requests of move this way, take a deep breath, hold it, and all that clicking! I thought for sure I was doomed.  
But, alas, my lining measured at a 9.  Which isn't as thick as it needs to be, but we were still one and a half weeks out, giving it plenty of time to continue to develop. Apparently there are ways to grade the lining, and from my understanding my lining is beginning to look like a triple line pattern, which is ideal for implantation.  It's funny, as time goes on, I become more and more aware of what goes into this process and how my body responds. In previous cycles, I never once asked or cared to know how thick my lining was or what it looks like! But, I guess as we become more and more involved in social media, we learn more and more about people and what they go through and then even in these cases, we begin to implement what we see into our own life. So, I asked how thick my lining was, which was when he threw in what it looked like, so now I'll have another detail to pay attention to from now on.  

I mentioned last week about the potential growth in my uterus.  It was not brought up this appointment so either it was just the picture from the ultrasound that made it appear there was a growth and there actually isn't, it doesn't look any worse, or it doesn't really matter if it's there or not at this point because my lining is developing nicely and that's all that matters at this point. 

Then it happened...
This is your last embryo...and then he suggested a relatively new experimental drug to the reproductive endocrinology field, neupogen.  Neupogen is typically used in patients that are receiving chemotherapy as a way to stimulate white blood cell growth. It is often used for women how have recurrent pregnancy loss due to immunological issues, but they also believe it can help increase egg quality and improve lining quality, which is why we're doing it. I have to purchase it as two doses, for more than $700, and it is injected into the uterus.  I'll have it done on Monday, and also the day before the transfer, Thursday.  I'll have to sleep over in NY Thursday night, but I'm determined to make this work!

Maybe the third time's a charm...

Positive quotes about strength, and motivational:

Monday, November 7, 2016

Monday Munchies...

Even though we're well on our way to winter wonderland, it still feels very much like fall! So I don't think it's too bad I'm sharing a fall apple recipe; you'll thank me later!

Apple picking is usually a fall tradition in almost everyone's families; ours included.  We cannot eat any baked or cooked goods other than from a kosher venue or vendor, so eating the traditional apple picking goodies are out for us.  Which is why I used the fruits of our labor at my first attempt at apple fritters. The apple is a surprising little fruit, I always go for the chocolate dessert, but whenever I do end up being forced to eatung an apple dessert, I'm reminded just how delicious they really are.  At first I was skeptical, but these did not disappoint!




1 quart vegetable oil for frying 
11/2 cups flour 
1 tablespoon white sugar 
2 teaspoons baking powder 
1/2 teaspoon salt 
2/3 cup milk
2 eggs, beaten 
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
3 cups apples-peeled, cored and chopped 
1 cup cinnamon sugar 


Heat the oil to 375 degrees. I don't have a thermometer for cooking.  When it comes to heating oil, I do the water test-flick some water onto the heating oil and if it sizzles, then it's ready. 

Stir together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt.  Then pour in the milk, eggs and oil and stir until blended. Then, add in the apples and mix.

Drop spoonfuls of the batter into the hot oil and fry until brown on both sides, about five minutes.  I had difficulty dropping spoonfuls in because it fell off the spoon in more of a drizzle, and it wouldn't solidify into the proper shape. I think next time I'll use another spoon to help the batter move off of the spoon quicker.  The batter should really float in the oil, and eventually the bottoms will turn a respectable shade of brown that you'll recognize.  Use a slotted spoon to take them out of the oil.    This is definitely a necessity-you need your spoon to be large enough that it can safely remove it from the boiling oil! Place the freshly removed fritter onto a baking sheet lined with paper towels, and when cooled briefly, roll it in cinnamon sugar. Once it cools, cinnamon and sugar won't be able to stick to it, but you definitely need to give it time to cool!  

Eat while still warm! I lost count of how many I had that day.  
As I was making them, I remember telling my friend that I was skeptikal of how they would turn out, I'd be lucky if they were even somewhat close to tasting like a fritter; but I can say that when it came time to eat them, they were definitely all I dreamed an apple fritter would be. 





Sunday, November 6, 2016

Following up: the silver lining

Thank you for all your messages; it's greatly appreciated.  It really is quite therapeutic to share my story and know that I have people rooting for me, but that also reach out with their own stories which helps me keep on my path of moving forward.

Wednesday brought about a lot of emotions as I faced the possibility of this cycle being canceled.  I guess my long drive home was a blessing in disguise because I had a lot of time to think about this cycle, what it will mean if it's canceled, what it means to move forward, and what it would mean if this cycle fails. In a twisted way, part of me hopes the cycle will be canceled-because it drags out the inevitable potential of a failed cycle. If we have a failed cycle now, it will be nearly impossible for me to do a fresh cycle in the immediate months because of the cost.   I can face a failure, but I can't face being told to stop. So if my cycle is put on hold, it's not stopping, it's just a forced break while we deal with an interruption, which slowly chips away at the allotted time left before we can afford a fresh cycle. Of course, the ultimate goal would be to move forward with the cycle and end up pregnant, but after the last two cycles I'm really preparing for the worst, but hoping I fall on the right side of statistics this time.

It also dawned on me that when it comes to fertility, past success does not indicate future success and vise versa.  There really is no rhyme or reason for why we have the outcomes we do. Why did I get pregnant three times in a row once we used IVF? Why are all the "bad" things happening now? I've seen people get pregnant naturally, and then take several rounds of IVF to have a second, and I've seen people go through many many IUIs, to then get pregnant naturally. One just never knows. But, I will say that although I kind of wish I wouldn't have to go through so many hardships in a row, and they could be interspersed among all of my successes, I definitely wouldn't be able to believe in the potential of success had it not happened that way. I can face these failures, because I've experienced success of great measures-it's just a struggle right now.  Of course I don't know what the future holds for me, but I do know that my three children are proof that success is possible. And that's keeps me fighting.  

Ironically, I hit a rock bottom before my appointment. Finally, after all the holidays, I was ready to face my weight gain and admit that my life wasn't going to revolve around treatments and pregnancy. Before, especially after the first miscarriage, I was clinging to the hope of getting pregnant soon. Although I still cling to that hope, with the subsequent miscarriage, it just solidified to me that I can't lose myself while waiting for that to happen.  The last thing I need is to gain another 10-20lbs while waiting and end up being extremely over weight before a pregnancy. On one hand, I know that if I get pregnant this month, losing the 20 lbs I've gained since April won't be achievable, and the truth is I'm not necessarily looking to lose all the 20 lbs, rather lose 10, but I'm really looking to find my groove again, and I finally feel like I'm getting there.

And of course, as they say, there's always someone in a worse position then you and that certainly rings true for me.  One of my closest friends fought breast cancer two years ago, and although I've been faced with challenges, even in my worst moments, I am able to tell myself that I am ok and my family is ok, and that's all that matters.

Tomorrow, I take one step forward on our road to more.

Dont Give Up:


Thursday, November 3, 2016

I've never had a bad monitoring appointment...

...until yesterday.
Yesterday was my second monitoring appointment for this upcoming frozen embryo transfer (FET), but it was the first time I had to make the trip in "real time" shall we say.  Until this point, I'm sure you remember, I was driving up from Baltimore with the kids, and either staying all day, or turning it into a little visit with family and friends.  However, because the kids are all in school, I had to come up with other arrangements.  Thankfully, I have a college aged cousin who moved to town for work and school and I was relieved to find out she had a car, didn't start work until 8:30, and was willing to come at 7am to cover from the time DH has to leave, until my kids have to be dropped off at school. #godblessher 
We had to face the challenge of finding appropriate car seats for each kid, that would fit across her car in the one row.  I want to post more on that another time because there are so many options out there and I find it all so fascinating.  

Anyway, yesterday I woke up early, 4:30am precisely, and left at 5:05am.  Besides missing two rest stops to fill up and finally pulling in for gas with only nine miles left in the tank, it was an uneventful trip.  It took longer than normal because of a few accidents, but it was an easy drive for me.  I arrived at the doctor at 9:30 and was done by 10:00 and by 11:00 I was back on the road and made it home by 2:30-leaving me just an hour to spare before I had to pick up the kids. All in all, this is the system that will allow me to continue seeing my doctor in New York, and it wasn't terrible.  I know it sounds terrible, but I'm not finding a new doctor for many reasons, which is why this is not a hard thing for me to commit to.  

So, what made my appointment so bad? I know you want to know!
Let me give you a little back story-this is my 9th medicated cycle.  I've never had a hormone issue while medicated-I stimulated fine, in fact I was on incredibly low doses and almost over produced! I've never had a lining issue-everything always looked great.  
Until yesterday. 

The ultrasound revealed no growth in my uterine lining, despite two doses of estrogen.  
This was pretty shocking news-to Dr. Beloved and myself.
But, he tried to reassure me that building the lining takes time, that's why we plan for 16-20 days of building the lining.
It's still early...
Try not to worry...

Except I couldn't help but keep asking him: I've never had this issue before-I did a cycle two months ago, four months ago, and I've never had an issue responding to hormones-why now?
It just doesn't make sense. 
I could tell he wanted me to just buy into his belief that this could all be chalked up to how early in the cycle we are, but he could tell I wasn't biting, and with that look on his face, he pointed out a suspected growth in my uterus, a suspected adenomyosis-an adenomyoma.
Cue terror..
I'll be honest, I have a very, very basic understanding, but it's essentially when endometrium goes through the uterus and in my case, created a specific area. In most cases, people have much more painful periods combined with heavy bleeding, which I haven't experienced. When we looked back on August's ultrasounds, we saw denser tissue and the thought is that it's possible the estrogen is fueling it's growth (he described it like an expanding sponge) as oppose to growing my lining, which is why I'm assuming the answer isn't as simple as just give me more estrogen to grow my lining.  But, my dose of estrogen is increasing, but I'm sure there's only so high the dose can go, but, it's important to remember that my lining didn't grow, at all.  So it's possible it just won't grow enough to have a transfer right now. 
That's right, the transfer might be canceled. 
I do know that we discussed that should this adenomyoma grow-it needs to be removed so I can move forward. Again, I don't understand all of the intricate details of how or why or when. As of now, I'm continuing on the meds, and go back for monitoring on Monday. I'm assuming we'll have a much clearer picture since I will have had two more doses of estrogen that will have also increased in dosage. 

I'm in a holding pattern, again.
I have to wait, again.
I'm faced with it going either way, again.

Don't Give Up: Top 27 #Quotes #about #Strength:
There was an error in this gadget
 
Blogging tips