Friday, December 14, 2012

History and Emotions Part 2

I previously discussed how I felt upon receiving my diagnosis, and how I felt pre-fertility treatment.  But what about during?  Initially, I didn't give it much thought, because, silly me, I was going to get pregnant during my first cycle!!!!  

Our first cycle was in May of 2008.  We were going to spend some time with my parents out of town, so we weren't available for all of the recommended observations. I missed some pre-ovulatory ultrasounds, I missed the post coital test (where they check the sperm and your vaginal mucous after s.e.x to see how the sperm are surviving in it), and in fact, I didn't see the doctor until I scheduled my own follow up appointment.    

When we decided we were ready to jump on the fertility bandwagon, we were allowed to begin with clomid (as recommended per my diagnosis), however my husband had not undergone his part of the testing.  So, we were given the option of clomid or going back on *metformin to hopefully induce ovulation within six months.  I chose clomid, as I did not want to waste anymore time.  I purchased a fancy ovulation kid (that only came with about 6 days worth of testing), a prescription for clomid, and I was on my merry way.  Well, before our trip, I had gone through all the days of ovulatory testing with still no positive indication of ovulation.  I eventually bought the  Answer 1 month supply kit of ovulation tests.  U
It was cheap, had enough tests for the whole month, the only downside was you had to reuse the same pee cup!  Oh well, fine with me!  

During the rest of the month I never got a completely positive, double line, indication that I was ovulating!   Again, I thought for sure I was pregnant based on my mood swings and how late I was.  

When we returned home, we met with the doctor who gave us the shocking news that my husband had a low sperm count-about 1/3 less than it should be!  So he recommended that we move straight onto intrauterine insemination (IUI).  We took the injections class (my husband even had to practice giving me the HCG shot in the butt! [with saline of course]).  I completed one cycle with clomid and injectables.  Big Fat Negative (BFN).  We did another IUI with only injectables-BFN, and our last IUI resulted with 8 follicles and was almost cancelled.  That was one heck of an afternoon between deciding to cancel, do a rescue IVF or trigger with Lupron under the promise I would reduce if I got pregnant with multiples.  I remember crying in the school bathroom, and walking about 3 miles all over the city trying to find Lupron! (Lupron was used as the trigger as a way to hopefully prevent all 8 follicles from releasing.)  So, 8 follicles-I was going to get pregnant!  How could I not?!? Nope, BFN.  With that we moved onto IVF.

I remember it so distinctly.  Until this point I was going through the motions, I never gave much thought into things not working out-because why wouldn't they?

It was around this time that summer break ended and I began my junior year of undergrad.  I went to a religiously affiliated school, so it was no surprise when a few people in my classes arrived for the new year with bumps.  I'm not quite sure how to describe my feelings-I wasn't angry or mad, I was selfish-I was selfish because I didn't want to have to be around them in their state...I didn't want to see pregnant bellies all day, every day.  And, I absolutely didn't want them to know what was going on with me  because I didn't want to make them uncomfortable, because after all, it wasn't their fault I couldn't get pregnant.    

But it was after the IUIs that I noticed a shift in emotion.  I starting having the 'what if' thoughts...the night after our initial IVF consult, I cried the whole night.  But as I have stated multiple times, with every new cycle, hope creeps in, and once the cycle began, I was hopeful.  

Now, when the IVF started,  I still did not have friends to talk to, and I wasn't so active in the blogging community, so I was extremely naive.  I have since learned through others all the terrible things that can come along with IVF.  It isn't all sunshine and rainbows like I was fortunate to experience.  I stimmed well, no complications, and just like that, I was pregnant!  And it was a relatively smooth ride.  

My pregnancy was almost complication free, and we had 14 months of bliss before we jumped back in the infertility saddle.  One thing I knew for sure, we weren't going to get so lucky the second time around. I just did not think it was possible.  

When Moshe was 10 months old I started bleeding again, birth control had nothing on it! So when I had my initial consult, I had fresh lining (as oppose to currently, I haven't bled since Dovy was born, 16 months ago today!!!)  so we were given the go ahead to move into a transfer without the typical birth control and lupron phase.  About 2 weeks later, I was pregnant and had an eerily similar pregnancy, labor and delivery experience.  

For better or worse, I know what's out there.  I'm so appreciative of how my journey has worked out, but because I know what others experience, I am currently fearing for the worst when we begin our journey to #3!

*One possible symptom of PCOS is insulin resistance, which is helped by metformin.  The insulin resistance could possibly impact ovulation, so the theory is that by helping the insulin resistance, you'll also help your ovulation regulate.  In my case, I did not have significant enough insulin resistance to need metformin, but it was a possible treatment option to induce ovulation-we initially opted to not go that route due to the time frame required to "wait and see," however once my husband's sperm results came back low, we knew it was not a sole treatment option.  We did end up using it conjunction with the cycles during our journey to #1 as a way to "help," but it was not used at all during our journey to #2.  

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