Saturday, December 15, 2012

Crossing Over

It's funny, once you have a baby/child, most people think you're no longer infertile.  There's no gentle way around this-I have a child, I have been successful, but the reality of the situation is, I'm still infertile. 

It's not pretty, but most pregnancy announcements make me angry.  I almost burst into tears when someone close to me told me they were pregnant-and I was holding a 3 month old!!!  How much worse do I look when I tell you that 3 month old was my second child?  

I'm not proud of it by any means; I wish I could instantly be happy for those who achieve their dreams so easily.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, my biggest issue is that those who are so fortunate, they don't know to know.  

I know someone who announced on Facebook their pregnancy the day they got a positive pee stick.  I know someone who went to the first ultrasound alone.  Because a positive pregnancy test= a live baby at the end right?  Not so much...but most people don't experience such things to even think about the negative. If you don't know anyone who went through infertility you don't have somewhat first hand knowledge to even begin to think about how your situation could have turned out differently.  If you don't know anyone who experienced a loss, you don't know how thankful to truly be when you reach 27 weeks gestation.  If you think having twins is cute because you can dress up TWO babies-you've never met anyone who has lost two sets of twins in the second trimester.  The list is endless and this can be applied to so many different situations.  But the bottom line is, you don't think like an infertile unless you are one. And having children does not change the status of my uterus or my husband's sperm.

Most likely I will never get pregnant on my own. It will require heavy intervention, drugs, needles, blood tests, and lots of money.  Don't get me wrong, I would not change my situation for anything,   but as I'm currently in the time of my life where I plan on continuing at attempting (and Please G-d I should be successful many more times) to grow my family, I still reflect on the status of my uterus on a pretty frequent basis.  

So instead of initially being over the moon when someone announces their pregnancy-I think, will I ever get to announce another pregnancy?  When?  How long will it take for me to get pregnant next time?  How much money will it cost?  Will we go through all our remaining embryos?  Will our next IVF cycle be drastically different since I'll be much older?  Will I have any losses? Complications? I think the list is endless...

I know I have two kids, believe me-I know how lucky I am, I think about it everyday.  Not a day goes by that I don't thank G-d and thank my doctor for the amazing things that have been brought my way.  But I wonder what's next?  It really isn't a consolation to know that I have two kids when really, I want more.  So when I'm angry, stop telling me, "you have two beautiful children." I don't think it's selfish to say that I will always be happy with my two, but it isn't my dream to have only two children.  If, by the time I'm 40, and I only have two children, I'll throw in the towel.  But until then, I'll keep dreaming for more.  Maybe my wish of more children will come true.  Only time will tell....    

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