Stims: Day 7 and 8

Deep breath. 

Wednesday was a loaded day.  

I honestly can say, I don't know how I've made it to this point.  I don't know how I'm so blessed to have Moshe, Dovy, and especially Hannah. 

She's a miracle 

Moshe says.  

Over the past 11 months, we've faced more questions, uncertainty, and heartbreak than ever before.  

I just don't know how I got so lucky to have not experienced any real uncertainty and heartbreak before all of this. 

Let me clarify one thing: yes, we had several failed cycles before Moshe was born, however when you work according to a hierarchy, it's easy to just brush off the failures as due to needing to progress up the ladder so to speak.  And that's what we did, we finally reached the top, IVF, and got pregnant.  

I really thought, a fresh cycle would be the simple answer to the past cycles.  

I thought that statistically, all my good embryos were used first and I just need to replenish to get the "statistical good ones." 

It was easy then, it'll be easy now.

Wednesday showed me once again, I'm fighting an uphill battle.  

 Dr. B's response, upon looking at my chart, was to take off his glasses and cover his face.

The only question I could ask was, "am I in trouble?"

Yes, a little. 

I'll start with the good news.  The good news is there were 16 visible follicles, and I still had another 5-7 day left.  So, the goal of this cycle was to harvest embryos.  We are definitely still on the right track for that, and I'm so grateful. I have seen so many times where women struggle to produce eggs, so I'm so thankful that is not an issue I'm facing.  Obviously egg production doesn't mean anything-they still have to be retrieved, and be mature, and fertilize and grow to day 5.  But at least it seems very, very positive that I'll have a good retrieval.  

However, my estrogen is just so high, and it's only going to get higher as more follicles are produced and grow-which is the priority.  We won't curb the egg production to lower the estrogen-that defeats the current purpose.  So, most likely, I won't be having a transfer this cycle. Everything will get frozen and I'll prep for an FET in February.  I'm also starting letrozol, which is similar to clomid, but I'm not using it for ovulation purposes obviously, I'm using it as a way to help lower the estrogen effect.  Because of my estrogen levels, I'm at risk for ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome which is essentially (at least my understanding) is a hormone imbalance/reaction that leads to a fluid retention.  You can develop OHSS from the stimulation alone, but if a transfer would take place and I would get pregnant and start releasing HCG (the pregnancy hormone) that also adds to the risk of getting OHSS. Dr. B said that my current estrogen levels, combined with a pregnancy, would land me in the hospital.  

The other concern, is that my lining "looks like mush."  It's not receptive for implantation at this point.  This issue is what concerns me the most.  At some point in every cycle we've questioned my uterine lining.  For this reason alone, I'd be willing to push off the transfer. I thought I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but I think it was just a mirage.  But while I might feel as if I'm surrounded by darkness, I really have a light, a light that shines so brightly, and it's Dr. B.

"We're going to figure it out."

We'll know a lot more tomorrow-when the retrieval is, what my levels look like, and how we'll proceed.  At this point, I'm prepared for us to spend a couple months leveling my hormones and investigated my lining.  

When I first started fertility treatment in 2008, Dr. B told me the first cycle of every "new" step, was always done according to textbook-and then after that cycle, personalized.  

My body has not responded in a textbook fashion this time, "you're definitely not simple." 

This might be a set back, but we're going to work on figuring out my issues, to personalize my care so I can, one day, God willing, welcome our rainbow baby.  

Medication for Day 7: 3 vials of menopur with .5 saline, 100 gonal-f, .3 low dose hcg, cetrotide, and low dose aspirin 

Medication for day 8: 3 vials of menopur, 100 gonal-f, .3 low dose hcg, cetrotide, low dose aspirin, and 1 pill of letrozole

My general bloating has continued, sometimes I feel more uncomfortable than others.  Emotionally, I feel relatively stable.  I've also lost about 5-7 lbs since starting my thyroid medication so that's a big positive!  

Tomorrow, will be another monitoring appointment, and the next steps will be decided!