My Rose Among Thorns

Acceptance...

 There's a Hebrew saying, it's called hashgacha pratis.  It means Divine Intervention.  I don't have many close friends, I'd say a have a decent amount of acquaintances, but really only a handful of close friends.  And of those close friends, including myself, 4 out of 7-9 of us have varying degrees of infertility-that's a lot higher than the 1 out of 6 to 1 out of 9 I've seen quoted.  Is this a coincidence that I have so many close friends who were dealt the infertility card as well?  Definitely not-it was Divine Intervention and such a blessing that we can all support each other through this time in our lives.

I went to college straight from high school.  Many people in my circle travel abroad for a year, however for a couple of reasons I chose not to.  I had never gone to any kind of camp, and wasn't really involved in activities/organizations beyond my immediate community, so I was severely lacking in the friends department. Especially considering I was going from a public high school to a private, religious institution.  

My first semester in college I moved rooms 3 times.  One of my roommates quickly became one of my closest friends.  I'm not very social, and we had no overlapping classes-different majors, and different religious backgrounds (so she took much more advanced religion classes than me), so had we not been roommates we never would have met each other most likely, but due to my tumultuous first semester, we were brought together as roommates. She left her nursing school after her first semester and  came into our school midyear, so she was also looking for roommates. 

We got married 6 months apart.  To be honest, I'm not sure who began the baby making process first, but it became apparent that assistance was needed for her too.  She was a little more hesitant than me, wanted to take her time, space out cycles, take time for herself when she needed it.  She's still waiting for her miracle; I've lapped her now 3 times, and I wonder why, but one thing's for sure-when this miracle does arrive, it's going to be spoiled by an auntie in NY!  

We have had several infertility related conversations throughout the years, and recently we spoke about acceptance.  Only through acceptance can you find the positive in any situation.  She said at first, she was committed to hiding it, and just going through the motions.  However, that became impossible when her fertility journey began to span from months to years.

In this situation, we both commented on the relationships we've formed through this journey.  We've both created relationships that we now treasure.  Some are not even considered friendships, but for example, the relationships formed with the staff at the doctors office.  For me, I can't imagine my life without them.  During my first stint with infertility-I saw them sometimes three times weekly for eight months!  And I periodically stop in after I'm officially discharged.  I can't imagine my life without these people!  What treasures in my life, especially Dr. Beloved-not a day goes by that I don't think of him.  

I know I've said this before-I know I have had an easy journey compared to others, but it's my journey.  I've found positive in it.  But I also know that I still have the right to be angry too.  And I am angry sometimes. But I've also found a lot of beauty in my hand with infertility-in the relationships I've formed, in the ability to be open about my journey and being able to help others-even if it's done privately from me.  As well as the beauty, gratitude, and thanksgiving I find in my day to day life.  It's so easy to get sucked up into the day to day hustle and bustle-yet when I have a moment to myself, it never ceases to amaze me-my mind wanders back to my journey and I just know that nothing more matters. 

But none of this can happen before you accept.  If you just go through the motions, you won't find the beauty.  If you just go through the motions, you won't find even more beauty when the puzzle pieces do come together-because you haven't accepted your hand to admit to yourself how beautiful your journey actually is.

Please send positive vibes to my good friend who found out today, on her transfer day, that all 5 of her embryos tested positive for genetic problems and the transfer was called off...