Thursday, January 10, 2013

The things that define us

This post was triggered by a post done by Kate over at The Small Things Blog.  Ironically, today, she shared her struggles with getting pregnant this year.  Go show her some love peeps!

Once I learned that fertility treatment was in my future (at age 19), I decided I wanted to create something positive from it.  I wanted to educate and create awareness.  So, I became an open book!  I remember discussing fertility treatment, openly, long before there was a date in the calender-even before marriage!  I wanted to be a poster child for infertility awareness and education.  I found it so hard to believe that I did not know people who had a similar battle to fight.  How could that be?  Lo and behold-it's not so uncommon, people just don't talk.  So I figured, there must be a reason I was given this  challenge, and I'm going to talk about it.  If people start talking, it won't be taboo.

I went to school at a religious institution, and as mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I knew that there were religious laws that played heavily into the situation.  I offered multiple teachers that I would present to their class, I spoke with former high school teachers to let them know about speaking to their classes about such issues.  Any way I could spread awareness, I was in.

I was labeled infertile, and was happy.  You could often times find me echoing sentiments such as:

s.e.x. doesn't equal a baby
my baby cost a lot of money

along with other thing such as the general hardships of going through infertility: the frequent appointments, and therefore missed school/work, the pain, the shots, the procedures, and all the emotions that go along with all of that jazz.

I am infertile....until all of a sudden, I'm not.

One of my first concerns, after I freaked out in the car after hearing my Dr's message, was, what am I going to do now?  Now duh, the obvious was to call my husband, set up the following appointment, etc.  But I had so proudly labeled myself infertile, and found joy in my journey.  Now, baby #3, came along without any medical intervention, which I am beyond thankful for, but it makes me question my infertility status.

Next time we want another baby, will I be told to try on my own?  What if I can get pregnant on my own again (which I'm not planning on), what will become of our 4 frozen embryos?  Have I lost part of my place within the infertility community because now, I'm one of those?

This is the first baby where I don't have a picture of their embryo at day 5, or from the thaw, to put in their baby book.  My first two kids had special shirts made and a special picture taken with my doctor, and I don't get that this time, because no doctor was required.

Other people have deemed this baby to be such a miracle, how this is more of a miracle, I have no idea.  They claim that this is natural, and since my body didn't do it before, this is a miracle.  I think a little bit of the opposite-that this is natural, this is what is supposed to happen-which is more or less of a miracle?  It doesn't matter, not one bit-all children are miracles.  But there is a profound difference between my first two and my current pregnancy.  Will this matter in later years?

Truth be told, I'm struggling with silly things:

an embryo from a 21 year old is better than an embryo from a 25 year old
my frozen embryos have demonstrated their "strength", this could be "bad"
this was too easy, something must be wrong
it's too good to be true

All of these are silly and I have no basis for even thinking such things, because as a fellow infertile pointed out-hey, normal people get pregnant all the time and have babies; but I'm infertile...until all of a sudden, I'm not.



2 comments:

  1. Interesting post--infertility does become a part of your identity, and I wrestled with that when I got pregnant! But your experiences always shape you in the future and affect your sensitivity to others, which is the most important thing!

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    1. Keshet-definitely true, I guess I just struggle with HOW I can be an activist within the infertility community when my struggles now seem so minimal? Why should I put my story as the face of infertility when others have it so much harder? Yeah, I could give hope, etc, but I just feel like I can so easily be discounted now.

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