Thursday, January 24, 2013

Seeing the bigger picture...

In general, I am a pretty glass half empty kinda gal.  But at the same time, I do believe that everything happens for a reason, that everything fits into the bigger picture, and there will be a silver lining.  It's just hard to live in the storm...

Our plan was always that when our youngest child turns one, we'll resume treatment.  It's funny, we haven't actually discussed how many kids we want.  We knew we needed fertility treatment before we were even engaged, so I guess it just wasn't something worth talking about.  We wouldn't really have control, so what's the point in deciding we want-say 4 kids, when it might take 20 years to just have 1 or 2?  So, we just let it be.  However, we did discuss that we will give all of our frozen embryos a chance, we have 4 left.  And Dr. Beloved has already told us not to forget about them- don't worry, we'll never forget them!

In June I met with Dr. B for a consult. We didn't have insurance coverage, but we thought that through a couple of different means we would be able to pay for a transfer out of pocket.  Unfortunately we found out that our landlord was getting divorced and wanted to move back into his apartment, and between moving costs and a series of unfortunate events regarding the move, in a matter of a week, our savings went to $0.  We had no choice but to table treatments for the time being. 

At that time I had already been hired by my current job, but it didn't start until September, so insurance coverage wouldn't kick in until then, and the details on the fertility coverage were still unclear.  At the time, I was really upset and hell bent on pursuing treatment- I have the mentality that I can't take it for granted, I have to do whatever it is that I can to make sure I'm doing my part in trying to grow our family.  But my husband reminded me, that we just.couldn'  I cried, a lot...but I found a silver lining-Dovy was  is still an avid nurser, so I just reasoned and thought that he still needs me, and if I was doing treatment, he'd have to stop nursing, and he obviously isn't ready.  I was ok with that...

Eventually work started, and insurance coverage was on the way-until I found out they lost the papers...eventually things were settled, coverage had been granted and that lead to my appointment, which I later found out I was already pregnant.  I know these aren't new details to you, but it dawned on me the other day-had our finances not been rocked, I would have pursued treatment all throughout the summer.  I never would have been given the opportunity to become pregnant with this baby, to have this experience.

What's funny is that I remember crying to my husband when our money, well, once it was no longer our money-that this is keeping me from having another baby.  That money was for fertility treatments, it was our one shot at another transfer. That's what kept me up at night-how we would come up with money to begin treatments, how long until we got to that point?  Yes, I knew there was a bigger picture, but I just wondered what it was?!?  

Yesterday, it kind all hit me like a load of bricks-we went through the financial hardships to string us along, long enough for me to get here.  I needed to forgo treatments, for months longer than I would have liked, to get to the point when I was supposed to get pregnant-and it was free.  

That money wasn't for a baby, G-d heard me, and answered our prayers, and now, I see the bigger picture.  

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