Thankfully I had less nerves yesterday as I waited for my blood results, however it quickly waned as time went on. I usually have my results back by 11:40. When I had my second blood draw, they were inundated with patients and a new computer system, so I expected it to take longer. But yesterday, I didn't find out my results until 2pm!
To be honest, surviving a pregnancy takes a lot of strength. For me, finding it within myself to just be in the moment and trust what's right in front of me, is not easy. It was much easier to face a failure, or even the miscarriages-because although it lingers in it's own way, there's no lasting fear. It's over. Before hand there would be a peak, and I would come crashing down, hard, but then it stabilizes, life goes on. Dealing with all my anxieties surrounding pregnancy, and I'm only five weeks into this, is much, much harder for me. It's a constant series of peaks and dips, falls even, sometimes many over the course of a day even! When the results finally do come in, it's a relief and exhaustion washes over me.
This is hard.
Facing a pregnancy after loss is hard.
I am aware that my anxiety is extreme, and I know that it doesn't help. I know that statistically and based on how things have progressed, things will be fine. However, I want to remind anyone who thinks this might be an over reaction-to me, or if you have someone else in your life who has a similar issue. This is not out of left field. How can I possibly, naively, believe that my blood test results will be fine? When one time, my blood tests weren't fine?!? I had to live through that phone call, where we discussed a dropped beta. So even though I have strong numbers thus far, in the back of my mind, I think about the possibility of getting the news that my numbers didn't rise like they should.
You know what else is looming on my mind? The ultrasound. My doctor likes to do first ultrasounds two weeks after the first positive blood test, which means my ultrasound should be May 18. However, because I want to avoid a week of limbo-if that's what's deemed to happen, I want to push off the ultrasound to seven weeks. My doctor agreed, and we are going to figure out a date the following week to do the ultrasound. While I don't specifically have a fear of there not being a heartbeat like I did that time, it is something on my mind. Good numbers now, don't mean the ultrasound will be good-I had great numbers last time, and I didn't get a happy ending.
Yesterday's numbers were 3712-more than doubling in 3 days.
Perfect.
Today, I'm still pregnant.
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