Blood Draw #6 and a change in plans

Today was probably the most aggravating of blood draw days. Typically, results are back within about three hours.  One time they were back in two, and one time they were back in four.  Today, it was about five and a half hours!  But not only that, progesterone and estrogen came back about half an hour before the hcg.  But in the midst of all this, I get an e-mail saying that my doctor won't be in for my scheduled appointment on Thursday, so I need to call and reschedule.  Let's just say that was enough to push me over the edge!  

Finally my hcg came back at 52,672-when it reaches such a high number, the doubling time slows down. I panicked when I realized even over four days it didn't totally double, and I texted my doctor asking if it was ok.  

His response: Absolutely ;) 

I called his office, and ultimately decided that my ultrasound will be tomorrow.  

I am so not ready for this. 

I wasn't expecting to have to sit down and compose my thoughts tonight-and of course I had to do some baking for the office tomorrow, but let me just put this out there: most people don't walk into their first ultrasound thinking there's a possibility they're not actually pregnant.  Who thinks they'll walk into an ultrasound, after several blood tests, to not see their baby?  To be told there's nothing there?  Well, I do.  Well, I don't-but because it's happened to me, I know that's a possibility.  It's also hitting me very hard that this is the exact same time period, to the week, that I had the first miscarriage.  To think that a year later, the exact same scenario could play out the exact same way is so upsetting.  I don't feel it's related to the miscarriage per say, but rather those moments of reflection catch me off guard.  I find myself going back and reading old blog posts from this exact time-not only calendar date, but also the same point in pregnancy-so it's a double whammy, thinking that I might relive this exact same nightmare again.  

But, the time has come.  

Tomorrow we'll know for certain. 

I'm not the type to ask for prayers, or well wishes, but today, I did, I am.

I'm not sure how I'm going to face tomorrow.

But I will.