An Emergency 4th Blood Draw

All is well that ends well...but I wasn't sure that would be the case.  

Over the weekend, I had a somewhat scary episode of bleeding.  

I was alone for almost the entire weekend-minus, oh about six hours of the weekend-no joke!  I know I have a lot of anxiety-some of it within reason, a lot of it not, but that's neither here nor there.  For some reason, Friday night, I just had a feeling something was going to happen, and I would be alone.  Sure enough, we were at new friends for lunch, when I felt something funny, and lo and behold, I was graced with bright red blood with clots.  #tmi #sorrynotsorry 

I took a deep breath and did a mental assessment of what I was feeling: no cramps.  

Put on a happy face, as best as I could, although I'm positive there was no way I was entirely convincing.  I went back to check on the bleeding-still there, not quite as bad: no cramps.  I really had a fear I was just going to start bleeding, miscarriage style, while wearing a pantie liner-on their upholstered chairs. #notwinning 

I felt terrible, but I quickly excused myself, and as I was trying to gather my kids, my host so graciously offered to keep my boys, who were enjoying the nice weather playing with friends.  I told her why I was rushing out, and she insisted I keep the boys with her.  Hannah and I made it home in about 15 minutes: no cramps. Bleeding had started to slow down, now it was pink, no more clots.  

I spent the rest of the day in bed or the couch.  Hannah and I did lots of cuddling.  By the time the evening rolled around, the bleeding was now a light pink: no cramps.  

By Sunday morning, it was just brown: no cramps.  

I was pretty sure it was ok-but who ever really knows.  So, instead of doing blood as planned on Tuesday, I went ahead and texted Dr. B that I had had some bleeding, was thoroughly freaked out, and would be doing blood on Monday.  When I text him, I don't expect him to call me back, it's just an efficient way for me to keep him in the loop, and this isn't my first rodeo-I'm not that needy that I need him to call and reassure me.  But bless his heart, he called me a few minutes later.  He asked me how much blood there was and told me it could be implantation, or placental development.  He reassured me that, "all bleeding in pregnancy is scary," and that with such good numbers from Thursday, I wouldn't start bleeding from a miscarriage two days later.  I felt pretty relieved that he didn't think it was so concerning.  

I've had bleeding in all of my IVF pregnancies, but never this early.  With Moshe I had bleeding at 16 weeks, which wasn't so concerning in the moment because I knew what I was seeing, at 16 weeks, wasn't a miscarriage. An ultrasound later revealed a subchorionic hemorrhage.  With Dovy, I had bleeding at 8 weeks, and while that was definitely scarier,I was far enough along to run to the OB for an emergency scan-after we demanded the NYPD move their cop car from blocking our car #smdh Anyway, the point is-there was nothing to do at this point but wait for blood on Monday.  I couldn't run to the ER for an emergency scan-there isn't much to see at 5w3d, and I'm sure it would take just as long to get my blood results back as if I just waited until Monday. 

So, Monday came and I went early for blood.  

My friend asked me what my intuition was, since I have pretty strong intuitions-and I told her I think it's fine, but one never knows, so I was of course, an anxious mess.  My husband is on an evening shift this week, so he wouldn't be at work until 5pm, and he had trouble recently logging onto the patient portal, so I wasn't sure I'd be getting my results back before 5pm!  Don't worry, I told him there was no way I was waiting that long and he would probably have to make a trip earlier in the day to check my labs.  So I was rather surprised that when I just randomly asked him to make sure the system was accessible from home, he texted back: beta hcg 13,321

Thank God.  

I don't know if I've ever known to be so thankful in a particular moment. 

Which leads me to another place of emotion-anger. I have never been so angry at my infertility, until this past weekend.  The bleeding is not specifically related to infertility, although there is a higher incidence of bleeding in IVF pregnancies, but it was the first time I got angry at God.  Why? Why did I have to have this bleeding?  Good or bad outcome-why? To test my faith? Two miscarriages wasn't enough? Five transfers wasn't enough? To test my gratitude?  After 16 months of fertility treatments, with miscarriages and failed cycles-I wasn't grateful? 

Thankful?

Appreciative? 

Give the bleeding to someone else, someone who didn't have to think twice about begging God for another baby, but don't give it to me. 

And then, my very special friend, said to me, this gives us the chance to pray, to be grateful. And I thought about that, and I realized she was right.  I hadn't been angry before- I was complacent with my hand; I was satisfied with the status quo, which meant I didn't have anything to talk to God about.  I was ok with what He deemed my journey.  

Until then...and I shut off my music and I prayed to God, for the first time in a long time...

Please let this be a healthy pregnancy.  Whatever Your will is, but I want a healthy pregnancy. 

Gentle reminders are always appreciated.  

Dr. B called me that afternoon, told me my numbers were fine, repeat blood on Thursday, and we scheduled my ultrasound for 5/24/17.  

All is well that ends well.