Tear Stained Cheeks

Today marks one year since I found myself back at Dr. B's office.  

365 days

3 transfers 

4 embryos

1 fresh cycle

and 20 lbs have brought me to where I am today.  

I've had several hours, in fact I wonder how many days those hours have added up to, where I've faced this journey time and time again. 

Tear stained cheeks. 

Subsided by the time I walk through those doors. 

Tear stained cheeks during the ultrasound where I heard I should see something more. 

Tear stained cheeks when I read the words your beta hcg is 20,  and then subsequently it's less than 0.

Tear stained cheeks when the pregnancy tests were blank, day, after day, after day.  

I knew this day was coming, it loomed over me more than the due date I never had.

  Dr. B 3:00 pm I so giddily wrote; I don't  need to write appointments down anymore, they come so frequently. 

Tear stained cheeks. 

I've had time to pray, and time to think, and time to question, and time to be angry

Tear stained cheeks. 

Many, many, tear stained cheeks. 

Someone asked me recently what my bottom line is. 

A fourth baby

I don't always have tear stained cheeks, because I know a rainbow awaits the end of every storm.