Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Upcoming Plans...

When I got news that I was probably having another miscarriage, I swore up and down two things: that I would do a fresh cycle next, and that I would only use the remaining frozen embryo once it had undergone genetic testing.  But, then my miscarriage was confirmed, and I changed my tune a bit.

Let me explain...
I really want to do a fresh cycle.  You're probably all wondering why I'm so crazy to commit to something that will require several blood tests a week, many many trips back to New York and a lot of money, and a huge question mark at the end.  This is my logic-first and foremost, doing a fresh cycle will allow us the opportunity to do genetic testing on the new embryos, with the most bang for our buck, as it's $4,000 to test up to eight embryos and an extra $200 per embryo beyond eight.  So, I'd rather pay the money to test eight, than one.  Doing a fresh cycle will also allow me to hopefully add a couple healthy embryos to my stash, and although medically there isn't much of a difference between 29 and say 31, it just feels different.  It's been almost eight years since my last egg retrieval and I worry significantly that my reserve and quality have diminished.  However, I had my Anti-Mullerian Hormone (AMH)  tested back in February.  This is a hormone that is believed to be indicative of the follicle reserve one has in their ovaries.  Mine came back at a good level, so there isn't reason to believe I'll have difficulty stimming again. It also looks like I'll fall right on the 50% abnormal embryo rate, if not higher depending on this next embryo, and I'm nervous that I have lower than normal embryo quality, which I fear may have gotten much worse over the past eight years.  Again, my doctor seems to think there's nothing to worry about, but clearly, he must have forgotten that fear consumes me on a somewhat regular basis.  
But, the bottom line is that at this point we can't afford the genetic testing. Our new insurance covers almost all of IVF, but it will not cover the testing since we don't have a specific disease we need to screen for.  So, a fresh cycle is out.

And for the same reason that a fresh cycle is out, so is testing the one remaining frozen embryo. I so wish I could test it, before I commit to taking hormones again, and monitoring appointments, and driving back and forth to New York, and arranging a transfer in the midst of all this with three children back at home.  But, it can't happen right now.  The bottom line is, I'm willing to take a risk on this last embryo to move me a little further along.  The two and a half months it takes me to prep give me comfort knowing I'm moving forward.  Now, it might be as if I'm running on a treadmill, not actually going somewhere, but I still feel as if I'm doing something.  It might fail, but it might not.  I hope I fall within the normal range of statistics, because that means this will be a healthy embryo. Not knowing the answer, but moving forward, is a risk I'm willing to take.  

So, I find myself here again....

I started taking birth control Monday night.  My protocol was e-mailed to me this afternoon, insurance coverage is being arranged and my medication is being ordered. 

And just like that, hope fills me and the hurt, and the pain, and the anger subside.

Letter to Anyone Contemplating Suicide:   

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