Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Our Road to More

So...this is a little bit deeper then most of my posts: revealing, personal...raw. 
I know I was given this path for a reason, and a promise I made to myself would be to share it honestly, and openly.  Some people share their story in an attempt to rid society of the taboo that is infertility, but that's not what was my goal.  I mean, I have no filter, so whether it's taboo or not, you're going to hear all about my excessive bleeding from my uncontrollable periods, or my date with the dildo cam (that's the street name for internal ultrasound), or about the polyp my doctor found on my cervix that he promised me over and over was fine and, "no, you're not dying." Diarrhea of the mouth is not my goal here.  Rather,  all I want, is for my journey to spread sensitivity, appreciation, and thankfulness. 

Yesterday began our journey to what will hopefully be another baby.  

As I sat in the lab, getting seven vials of blood taken, it felt so surreal to be sitting back in that chair.  It's been awhile....over three years.  We didn't really know when we wanted another baby, other than we needed a break.  I went back and forth, some days I was totally fine having a large gap between kids, after all, Hannah is still my baby, and as she's getting older and more mature and the thought of potty training comes up, it was nice sometimes to not have to worry about a baby.  But other days I felt that menopause was imminent and I needed a baby now.  I was also on accutane, so that kept me in check, but the whole time I had been calculating when my accutane was done, plus three months to make sure it was out of my system. And then one day, it happened-it came time to make my appointment.  Almost 10 years exactly from my first appointment with Dr. B, I found myself back in his office.  We reminisced, shared pictures, went over the past, spoke of the future.  

I went though the works yesterday: had my blood taken, had a full exam-where we confirmed a polyp on cervix and a cyst on my ovary.  My wonderful, completely non-judgmental doctor also confirmed several times that I most definitely am not dying.  My follicle count looks good, on the non-cystic side, with 7-8 follicles.  At this time, it doesn't really matter since we still have four frozen embryos.  

The plan is go on a higher estrogen birth control for the month so I can hopefully get rid of this cyst. And when my cyst goes away, so will the ovarian pain I've been having, which is another reason I questioning my longevity.  In all seriousness, there have been many "freak" stories of young people having terrible, life threatening diagnosis recently, and even if we weren't in the market for another baby, I was still planning a well visit.  At the young age of I'll-be-29-next-weekend, I'm not so young anymore and I can't rationalize the state of my health with that excuse anymore.  The moral of the story is, should you have any abnormal symptom, please get it checked out-one can never be too sure.  This is also why I'm adamant that the polyp be removed and biopsied-better to have it checked in a lab than trust the doctor's eyes. Although I trust him with my life, one can never be too sure. I've also heard freak stories of doctors thinking one diagnosis and then they ended up being terribly wrong.  I'm taking no chances here, but I am confident he's right.  I will have to undergo a saline ultrasound which is when saline is injected into the uterus to measure the size and shape in preparation for a transfer.  I also have to have an endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining and make sure it's a habitable environment for it's impending visitor.  Studies have also shown that scratching the lining helps with implantation of the embryo.  I will have the polyp removed during this procedure.  I'm not looking forward to this-I've had it done before and it was the worst pain I've ever felt, so there's talk of drugging me, as I'm not sure how I'll actually get myself in there otherwise.  

I'm sure I'll have to have some drugs thrown in, and of course I've been given fair warning, "we're going to stick you several times," so I see many needles in my future. But hey, it's par for the course. 

 When I reflect on my journey I really can't believe I've been so lucky.  And all I keep thinking is, I sure hope, with every fiber of my being, that my luck hasn't run dry.  I'm bracing myself for disappointment, while trying to tell myself not to get too emotionally invested, but I've had three back to back pregnancies and I know that joy so well, I can feel it.
G-d, I hope you're listening....

Something amazing about the infertility community is that everyone is so supportive, but that support, that joy we have for each other, doesn't typically extend beyond those of us that are in the trenches.  Pregnancy announcements from fellow infertiles don't pain us like the ones from your average Janes.  But I worry I'll be shunned from the infertility community because I have had such success. I don't have great battle wounds, and for that I'm thankful, yet I also feel like an impostor, especially after my spontaneous pregnancy.  
For those friends of mine who are reading that have had (in)fertility struggles, please know I think of you often, and I know your family will be complete when the time is right.  

God's plan is always the best. Sometimes the process is painful and hard. But don't forget that when God is silent, He's doing something for you.:

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